99. I made you a mix
What I’m up to
We’re a few days into our Lunar New Year break. (It is just me, or does it feel like I’m always on vacation?) Unlike most breaks, we are not going anywhere until the second half of break, which is actually great. I have a long list of home/school/grad projects to tackle, but for now I’m doing the bare minimum to meet deadlines for my grad classes and also sleeping a lot and hanging out with friends.
Later this week, we’re going to a Super Bowl party, then I’m staying in a fancy hotel with friends (including one who now lives overseas) for our third, extra-special Favorite Things party. Then we will head to Hualien with friends for our annual cold-beach-mountain getaway.
And then it’s back to school, where I’m trying to soak up every remaining class with our graduating seniors.
Thankful for this life.
What I’m reading
I just finished Good Material by Dolly Alderton. The bulk of the story is told from a man whose long-term girlfriend breaks up with him seemingly out of the blue. It’s a story about grief, the complexity of relationships, and what we owe to the people we love. I read a review afterwards that helped me pinpoint what I liked about it:
Dolly Alderton is the only woman I have ever encountered that writes women’s fiction without hating women. By this I mean, this book is written mostly from the perspective of a man grieving a horrific breakup that, in all honestly, would drive nearly anyone into a deep, dark madness that they may/may not ever completely recover from. But the most compelling part of this story is that Dolly manages to take the reader through the mania, the bargaining, and the desperation of searching for control in a situation that you did not choose to be in, and she does it without making us hate the woman who has caused the breakup. (Emphasis mine. I don’t know how to cite a Goodreads review, but it’s the first one that turns up here.)
I don’t know that Alderton is the “only” woman who “writes women’s fiction without hating women,” but it is remarkable how gently Alderton tells both points of view.
On a scale of Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity and Marriage Story (both excellent!), Good Material leans towards Hornby in the comedy vs. pain continuum.
I’m watching True Detective: Night Country right now. I’m sad to say this season peaked at episode 1, but I’m still into it. The first season with Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson is still superior albeit more soul-killing.
What I’m thinking about
Life is short.
Last weekend, we were walking around downtown, and I pointed out a body piercing shop. Paul said, “You should get your nose pierced. That would be cool.” I thought about it for a hot second and said, “I should!”
One hour (and a surprising amount of pain) later, I had a nose piercing.
Did I want one before? I mean, mildly. I may have thought about it a couple of times, but not nearly as much as I’ve thought about getting a tattoo. Does it feel weird to alter my face based on a whim? Surprisingly no. It felt liberating to realize it’s my body, and I can do what I want.
That sounds kind of negative and gross, but I mean it in a wholesome sense. Who really cares if I pierce my nose (besides my mom, my colleague in the library who is my mom’s age, and that one 5th grader who told me she liked my face better before? lol.)? I can take it off if I get tired of it, or I can leave and be an old woman with a nose piercing.
No one cares about my face as much as I care about my face. It’s taken me years to learn this and it’s humbling and freeing.
What I’m learning
My nurse coach D and I are taking a deep dive into my Enneagram 3-ness (or my need for affirmation and recognition, for those of you who aren’t into personality typing). I read the Type 3 chapters of a whole bunch of Enneagram books, and they all basically say that Enneagram 3s are needy and fake, and while I won’t deny that, I got really tired of reading the same caricatures over and over.
What’s more helpful is D’s excellent questions, like: If you continue to derive your value and worth from your current source(s), what would your life look like in five years?
Honestly? I would probably have a different job, which I would chase for a new challenge and, more importantly, more professional respect. And the thought of a career change based on my shaky sense of self-worth is extremely unappealing and alarming. (I really love my job.) It’s lighting a fire under me to really reexamine my perceptions of success and worthiness.
Any other Enneagram 3s out there? Have you figured this out?
What I’m digging
I made a mix (ahem, I guess I mean a playlist) for the first time in forever. I am linking it here with the gigantic caveat that there are songs with questionable lyrics (I am a words person, but not a lyrics person). Another caveat: this is the type of mix that doesn’t stand alone, meaning the ideal circumstances for listening to this mix is going on a 1 hour 43 minute drive with me and letting me explain why I picked each song.
Since that’s unlikely, let me at least explain the brilliance of song #1, Jenny Owen Youngs’ remix of Nelly’s “Hot in Herre,” a song that perhaps epitomizes rap misogyny but in the hands of Jenny Owen Youngs becomes a feminist evisceration of said rap misogyny in the same way Naomi Alderman’s The Power reveals male violence by depicting a world in which women have more physical power than men. The repeated “We are getting so hot, we’re gonna take our clothes off” in a cheesy, male backup singer harmony just nails the irony of this song.
See? That probably makes no sense in writing. We should just go on a little road trip together.
Oh — but what I’m digging is music again. After years of (resigned) secondhand listening to Taylor Swift, Conan Gray, Olivia Rodrigo, and various Kpop artists, a couple of shared mixes from students (feat. Beach Vacation, Inhaler, Cage The Elephant, Peach Pit and Blur, The Strokes, Arctic Monkeys, and David Bowie because my students are cool) have gotten me back to wanting to discover music for myself again. Send me some recs, please. (That said, I <3 Olivia Rodrigo.)
I’m also digging the talents and creativity of my friend S, who threw Lucy a semi-surprise half-birthday party. The party’s theme was The Game of Lucy, and S recreated The Game of Life board game in her living room. It’s the kind of epic thing I would never do myself (and, in fact, as I cutting out pictures of Lucy’s celebrity crushes, I kept thinking — what am I doing?) but it’s the kind of epic thing that my friend S is so amazing at pulling off and reminds me how lucky I am to be her friend.
What I’ve saved
This deep dive into Elisabeth Eliot and her marriages, which left me feeling sick, sad, but also a little vindicated. Read at your own risk. (The Revealer)
My friend D sent this to me b/c we share a (clearly justifiable) celebrity crush on Christian Bale.
Until next time (newsletter #100!!),
Kate