47. Emotionally manipulative
Sorry this is late. I succumbed to a bad headache halfway though drafting this and called it a night.
What I’m up to
Went to a new-to-me Israeli restaurant twice this week (thanks, C!).
Still thinking about the absurdly brilliant Everything Everywhere All at Once (which I went back to the theater to watch again!). I think it pairs well with the book of Ecclesiastes.
What I’m reading
I finished Anxious People by Frederik Backman on the bus on the way back from a school trip. I was so annoyed by how much it made me cry. Backman’s books are beautiful but, I think, emotionally manipulative. :) However, I (grudgingly) admit this one’s good.
I thought that with Paul gone I would binge romantic comedies every night, but I’m watching The Witcher instead. It’s the LAST show I would have ever expected to get into (it is SO gory), but alas, I am hooked. It’s like a funnier (and sweeter) Game of Thrones. I love Geralt of Rivia. Even as he murders monsters (and sometimes people) left and right (often literally), he adheres to a sense of honor and maintains a tenderness towards others. He is so refreshingly good (even though he’s a murderer lol).
What I’m thinking about
Prudence, self-censorship, integrity, wisdom, courage.
I had a conversation with my missionary friend C about how hard it is to navigate writing publicly when you work for a religious organization or an organization that otherwise has a stake in your personal views.
When I was a reporter, I wasn’t allowed to publicly engage in politics. As a Christian school employee, there are certain topics that are, explicitly or implicitly, land mines.
I struggle to know when it’s wise to speak up publicly and when it’s best to keep the peace and engage in conversations privately.
My solution is I try to have as much courage as I can to speak up in person, even when it’s very uncomfortable. I am, however, more reticent to do this in writing, since so much can be missed on a screen, and I don’t have the ability to clarify or engage with the reader.
Is this cowardice or wisdom? I’m not sure.
In Anxious People, a character is described as “the sort of priest who got shouted at by everyone, by religious people for not being religious enough, and by everyone else because she was religious at all.” I’m not a priest, nor am I virtuous as this character, but I found comfort in this description because I feel this way sometimes. Like I am not ______ enough for anyone. The character’s response to others’ suspicions of her was, “I don’t think we agree about everything, but I have a feeling He knows I’m doing the best I can. And I think maybe He knows I work for Him, because I try to help people.”
I pray this can be said for me as well. That I’m doing the best I can, that I’m working for Him by helping people.
Amen.
What I’m learning
Someone once described my friend B as a person who only gets more interesting the more you get to know him.
I have this fear that I’m the opposite — that if you have a good impression of me from afar, you’ll only be disappointed if you get to know me. So it’s better to keep my distance.
I shared this in class (in a discussion about Jay Gatsby, the personification of imposter syndrome), expecting nods of recognition. Instead, I got blank looks. Haha. I guess this is not a universal fear?
True love, I think, is the opposite of this. It’s an unconditional acceptance of every revelation of your true self, whether or not it’s interesting or attractive.
I’ve been married 16 years this month, and I am so grateful to have found a person who gives me this gift every day. I am completely myself at home. There is no fear of being known.
What I’m doing
Losing Wordle for the very first time. My mistake: deviating from my usual strategies. I am more upset about this than I probably should be.
Catching my breath after a busy week. I’m sitting sideways on my couch, luxuriating in the fact that for the next two days, I have zero responsibilities.
What I’ve saved
This is quite lovely. (via my friend K)
In light of the Roe v. Wade debate, worthwhile reading on abortion in American history (from The Atlantic, 2017). More context from Patheos. And from Politico, here is an enlightening look at abortion in the context of the religious pro-life movement.
A visual guide to personal style. (NPR)
This intense analysis of a clothes catalog is mind-bogglingly deep. (homeculture)
Until next week,
Kate
Sometimes I worry that I tricked my friends into liking me by a great first impression and they will leave me when they get disappointed by the flaws that I reveal. Yet somehow they are still here. Maybe a relationship with the "flawed friend" is more genuine and meaningful than one with a "nice stranger"?
It’s absolutely not cowardice - it’s the gift of discernment. I share the feeling of being stuck somewhere in the middle, teaching for a conservative school whose students are often not conservative.