What I’m up to
I just got back from a school event (in which I taught students how to make quesadillas with an iron). It’s the event that marks the beginning of the end for our seniors. Every year my heart breaks a little to say goodbye to another class. I meet each class as 11th graders and think I won’t get attached, but I always do.
I subbed for a colleague today on top of my regular responsibilities, and while I very much enjoyed it, it was a really long day. I have another extra-full work day tomorrow that won’t end until evening.
Meanwhile, covid numbers are back up here in Taiwan.
What I’m reading
The Plot by Jean Hanff Korelitz. This book starts off character-centered rather than plot-centered (pretty much the definition of literary fiction) but then morphs into a thriller. The premise: a struggling writer steals an idea for a novel and sees massive success, but someone finds out and wants to make him pay. It’s darker and more exciting than it sounds. :) I read it in a day. I like how inside-baseball it got about the writerly life. I did guess the twist ahead of time, but that didn’t detract from my enjoyment.
State of Terror by Hillary Rodham Clinton and Louise Penny. Let me just say, this book is far superior to Bill Clinton’s collab with James Patterson, which I found cringy (sorry). One review pointed out that the political thriller written by the men is all weapons, “testosterone and swagger,” while the one written by the women is centered on observation, nuance, and relationships. I know that’s a gendered simplification but… it’s accurate.
Both books were enjoyable reprieves from the past several weeks of grading-and-not-much-reading.
What I’m thinking about
I linked to this last week, but one of my old friends is doing research on primals (primal world beliefs). One thing his team has found is that the parental belief that kids are better off believing the world is bad or dangerous is false; studies showed that negative primals, in fact, “were almost never associated with better outcomes.” Instead, negative primals “predicted less success, less job and life satisfaction, worse health, dramatically less flourishing, more negative emotion, more depression, and increased suicide attempts.” (source)
I’ve been thinking about this because I believe I’ve grown more negative with age. It’s hard not to — there is so much suffering in this world, and humans are, frankly, terrible (see: US political climate).
But my negativity hasn’t stopped there. Lately, I’ve been fixating on the brutality of nature. There’s the predation cycle of animals. There’s natural disasters.
I think about how humans take animals’ lives without a thought. I think about how humans take human lives.
Where does the gospel come into play? It’s the good news — the good news that, despite evil, we are redeemed. I think it’s Jesus calling us to love one another. His commands were all about turning away from self towards others, and it’s when humans do this that I see good.
Maybe my primal belief about the world can be that it is good because God created it — and redeemed it. Maybe I can preach the gospel to myself.
Here’s something good: tonight, the seniors spent a lot of time reminiscing about their school years. What’s funny is that so many of the negative memories — kids getting in trouble, mean teachers, romantic rejections — are hilarious now. We, in our glorious humanity, experience redemption all the time. We learn from our mistakes. We laugh about things that used to hurt. We reconcile and grow.
What I’m learning
The BEST parenting tip I’ve ever heard is from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. (Full disclosure: I only read maybe a third of the book, but the first chapter alone is gold.) The tip is this: when a kid is upset, first seek to validate their emotions. Once the child feels understood, they relax.
I cannot tell you HOW MANY tantrums I’ve defused by simply saying, “Oh, wow. That must be really frustrating” or “I can see how this makes you really mad.”
Really, the secret is empathy.
What I’m learning is that I really need to practice this with EVERYONE. Because of my job, colleagues and students come to me with frustrations. I often go straight to problem-solving mode or explain-the-context mode, which must drive people CRAZY. When I am frustrated about something, the last thing I want is for someone to ignore my frustration; what I want is for someone to affirm my frustration is valid.
What I’m doing
Teaching Gatsby again (my favorite book to teach!). Fitzgerald (and Gatsby, for that matter) is the quintessential Enneagram 3, which is slightly frightening because I am also an Enneagram 3. We watched a documentary on his life today, and wow, Fitzgerald lived a very sad life. I think most people think of Fitzgerald in the context of the Jazz Age — parties, hanging out with Hemingway, summering on the Riviera. But really, that was just a chapter of his life. So much of the time — and even during that chapter! — Fitzgerald wrestled with insecurity, self-loathing, alcoholism, money troubles. He imbued all of this into his writing, which to me is a kind of alchemy (redemption!): turning pain into art, even beauty.
What I’ve saved
“Why people are acting so weird.” (The Atlantic)
^^That’s a downer, so I’ll leave you with this (via M):
by Mary Oliver
If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
to be. We are not wise, and not very often
kind. And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
something happens better than all the riches
or power in the world. It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant
when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case.
Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid
of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.
Until next week,
Kate
I am reading "How to talk so kids will listen..." - I agree that the first chapter is gold. I'm slowly making my way through that next chapter. We are always quick to deny, soothe as parents because we feel it's our responsibility to protect. But really, the real key is acknowledging that their feelings are valid.
Thank you for sharing Mary Oliver and for being so candid in your newsletters.
Love what you said about negativity and empathy.