106. "Every day is all there is"

What I’m Up To

I used to faithfully write this newsletter every Thursday, and, as you can imagine, the habit made it easier to keep up. The longer I go without writing, the harder it is to get back on the saddle. Writing is hard, yes, but it’s also that so much happens in the meantime, it’s tough to know where to even begin.

One thing I’ve been up to? Recovering from a heart incident.

About six weeks ago, I was in the ER for chest pain, and blood tests indicated a heart attack. After four days in the hospital, the cardiologist cleared me of heart disease (0% calcium score, baby!). It’s still unclear what caused the attack, but I’m not yet free of symptoms despite being on quite the bouquet of medication (all downers — so I should be the chillest I’ve ever been).

It’s still hard to wrap my mind around what’s happening to my body.

Other happenings? It’s another school holiday — pretty much the only time I ever write a newsletter these days. I was in Taipei (north Taiwan) this week for a Gracie Abrams concert, then in Kenting (south Taiwan) the next day. Now I’m back in Kaohsiung, sitting in a café, gearing up to catch up on grading and cram prep for the rest of the year.

We’re deep into Q4 at school, a melancholy time of almost-goodbyes.

Photos near the port area of Kaohsiung city, taken with a Fujifilm X100T

What I’m Reading

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury – I’ve long loved his short stories, but this is my first time reading the novel. It’s chillingly familiar.

Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar – Super clever. Digging it so far.

Tell Me Everything by Elizabeth Strout – I have little in common with the characters, but somehow, this was just what I needed.

The Silo Series by Hugh Howey – Picked this up because I’m too impatient to wait for Season 3 of the TV adaptation. The reveals do not disappoint.

Stolen Focus by Johann Hari – Reading this for LSAB Book Club. So far, it’s rocking my world and inspiring some changes. More on this in a future newsletter.

What I’m Watching

My friends M and K are hosting a weekly movie night — a methodical viewing of all the key films I missed due to age and a decade-long hiatus from TV and movies. So far: True Romance (5 stars — loved it), Raising Arizona, Unforgiven, and The Brutalist (a break from the 90s).

Also gobbled up Adolescence, White Lotus Season 3, and Severance Season 2.

Watching Devs now after rewatching Ted Lasso with my TV friends. I also started The Narrow Road to the Deep North.

What I’m Thinking About

My body.

I have such complicated feelings towards it right now.

I feel fear, naturally. Is my body going to fail me? My fear is mostly for my kids, who are no doubt afraid themselves.

I also feel some self-loathing. These downers I’m taking? They sure are a downer. One major side effect of my medication is weight gain — scarily measurable weight gain, every single day. I’ve worked so hard over the past year and a half to get stronger and healthier, and it’s deeply disheartening to watch those gains vanish.

And yet — of course — I’m grateful. Weight gain is nothing compared to... not being alive? I’m grateful for my body. Thankful to be needle-free. I feel grateful for everyday sensation: the slight bitterness of green tea (my new best friend, now that I can’t drink coffee — cue despair); the bracing cold of the Pacific Ocean and how quickly my body acclimates to the water; the high of being in a crowd of thousands who know every word of a song. I am thankful I am now noticing more for which to be grateful.

What I’m Learning

Like many of you, I’ve long struggled with what to say when a loved one is suffering. But my heart scare taught me: just reach out and say something.

“So sorry this is happening.”
“Praying for you.”
“Oh no! Are you ok?”
“How are you feeling today?”
“Thinking of you.”
“I heard. How are you holding up?”

Honestly, every quick message meant so much. It was just such a comfort to know people were thinking of me during a time it was easy to feel alone.

What I’m Digging

New experiences. Our friends P and M invited us to P’s pottery studio, where he taught us how to throw pots. I hadn’t sat at a wheel since high school and thought it just wasn’t something I could do. But it was actually amazing. Our whole family made mugs and bowls we now use daily. P told me later, “I think you have the patience to do art.” As a self-described impatient and non-artistic person, I’ve been turning that comment over in my heart.

I pulled out my old Traveler’s Notebooks as part of my (floundering) attempt to get off my phone, sharpen my brain, and maintain healthy habits. One thing is immediately clear — writing down ideas as they pass through my mind is a life hack. It’s showing me how quickly I forget things of interest when I don’t write things down: a great quote (like the title of this post, by Joan Didion), a provocative idea, a work strategy to try.

Paul is letting me use his Fujifilm X100T, and I love it. Fujifilm digital cameras are special—you don’t need to edit much; you can set up different “recipes” to capture a vibe or mimic film effects. I like how having a camera makes me notice more.

Ubikes, especially the electric ones. Zipping around on a bike makes being out feel more like an adventure.

Declan Rice’s penalties against Real Madrid — still blowing my mind.

Happy Easter. From George Herbert:

With thee

O let me rise

As larks, harmoniously,

And sing this day thy victories:

Then shall the fall further the flight in me.

Until next time,

Kate